Yesterday, we talked some about the importance of caring for your energy and that this included being careful of the company that you keep.  I provided a short list of some of the most common ways that you can tell if a relationship is putting off negative energy and also warned that, since relationships take two people, you are partially responsible for co-creating that negative energy. 

In our society, friendships are a luxury.  You might laugh at that or disagree, but it’s true.  In modern times, we are not directly dependent upon each other for survival.  Think back to how many times you or someone you know has “lost” a friendship or other relationship.  How many times was it over something trivial?  Something as simple as “I don’t like it when you…” and that Whatever-It-Was happened to be something non-lifethreatening, something really more just a disagreement about something?  It happens a lot. 

When people actually depended on each other for survival, two things were most likely true:  (1) you were too busy trying to survive than to pick fights over Facebook or MySpace, and (2) if you milled flour and the blacksmith worked metal and you and the blacksmith had a falling out, holding a grudge could mean both of you suffering because you couldn’t get over your squabble and continue to support each other in an independent manner.

These days, we all are under the illusion that we basically support ourselves without any interdependence or need for each other coming into play.  We all work daily and pay our own bills (at least, I hope you are fiscally responsible for yourself), cook our own meals, care for our families and homes, and generally, if Suzie and I don’t get along, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to eat tomorrow.  Friendships have become luxury items.  When we get tired of one, it’s all too easy to abandon it and get a new one. 

Sadly, our stress levels show that modern humans need social relationships of positivity and strength more than ever before to limit the severe effects of stress upon our bodies and minds.  We need each other, and more importantly, we need each other in a POSITIVE way.  I suppose the good thing is that, since friendships aren’t a matter of physical survival any more, it’s a little easier to pick and choose for personal health.  At the same time, your relationships do directly impact your physical health (which is your survival, at a base level), so choosing and maintaining relationships effectively and in a positive way is extremely important.

We’ll go into maintaining positive relationships in next week’s continuation of this series, but first, what do you do if you need to extract yourself from a negative relationship? 

1.  First, realize you have contributed to it and how.  This can be a difficult thing to do, but it’s vital that you start here.  Why?  Two reasons — (1) the person creating the negative relationship could be you, and it’s crucial you figure that out early if you can; and (2) you are the only person’s actions that you can change, so it helps to know what you are currently doing.

2.  If you figure out that the negativity generator is even at least partially you, you have some work to do reprogramming yourself.  If you have come from a negative family background, or were abused, I will tell you now from personal experience that it takes time to change how you think, to change what you expect, and to rewire those buttons.  Affirmations won’t do it entirely… they’re just a cutesy bandaid on the problem — vital to keeping things clean and protected and helping wounds heal, but no damn good if you stick them over a dirty wound.  If you look in the mirror and realize that you have more negativity within you than you thought, you’re going to have to learn new ways to interact with the world around you.  If this is the case, I’ll be talking to you next week about ways to fix this and things you can do.  I know… I’m telling you to sit tight and wait, but in the meantime, use the next week as an opportunity to watch your thoughts carefully so you’ll be able to tell where to apply the information I give you on changing your outlook.

3.  If you are simply a co-conspirator in the negative relationship (and face it, you will be if you aren’t the cause itself), then the task falls to you to limit further creation of negativity in the relationship.  You do not have to end relationships to make this happen, but it’s the way most people choose to go because it takes the least effort.  It’s far easier to say “You’re not right for me and my life” or “You are negative and bad for me, so I don’t want to be around you any more” than it is to actually learn to be tougher energetically, or to call your negative friend on their negativity and say “Hey, can we pick a more positive subject?” or “When you want to stop talking about other people, let me know.”  After all, negativity and defensiveness go hand-in-hand, and it takes a pretty big person to be called on their negativity and say, “You know, you’re right.”  Many times the negativity is a habit long ingrained, or it crops up because we’ve had a bad day.  Well, then, what needs to be talked about is the bad day and how it can be turned around, not just general negative blather spewing all over. 

4.  Ways to limit a negative relationship without ending it:  (a) spend less time with the person; (b) have an honest talk about why you are concerned about the relationship and how you would like the relationship to proceed, and set some “rules” for interaction, such as “I like being around you, but I really don’t want to listen to you making fun of/bitching about people”; (c) be sure to keep your side of the engagement positive and redirect conversation when it’s going into a negative arena — if you can’t redirect, you may have to shield until you can get away; (d) take a cleansing bath after being around negative people — believe me, a bit of salt water and prayer really do work; (e) stay grounded and centered and detached when you catch conversations going into negative areas — you’ll be less reactive and less likely to pick up negativity when you aren’t personally vested in the moment; (f) stay in the Now — people who are negative tend to live in the past or in the future, either regretting about what’s happened or fretting about what’s to come — you can combat this be simply being Present.

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about the choice to end a relationship (or what happens when someone ends a relationship with you).  Sometimes ending it is the best way, but even with “choices for the best”, such things can still hurt the worst. 

Photo by Eddi 07 (via Flickr).