I'm not going to go into great detail on this here because I need to sleep soon. But I'm going to get it off my chest before laying down for the night. Maybe I'm the only one ...
I was reading the CNN website last night and found 
I’m going through a deep period of introspection and change right now. Here are some of my thoughts.
Someone once told me that praise and blame are both forms of manipulation. Likewise, how often do we judge the worth of a person based on whether or not we “like” them, or “understand” them, or “agree” with what they say or do? Even if it’s a good opinion, it’s still an opinion and not the sum total of who we are. Bad opinions hurt (especially when what others claim we have done or become is not anything resembling our perception of what we did or what we were attempting to do or who we were attempting to be), but those, too, are just opinions.
Opinions say more about the person holding them than the person who catalyzed the opinion. If we like someone who is kind, then it says we value kindness. If we like someone who is loyal and never says anything hurtful, then perhaps we value loyalty, or maybe it says that our friendships are contingent on what we perceive as “proper behavior” (a very biased and individual thing, I might add, and usually always self-serving). If we do not like someone who makes us feel inferior, then there is an inferiority within us that we have not addressed — for as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
It’s all reflective — all of it. Not saying there is no personal accountability for actions, but judgment is really not being able to see around the mote. Just because it’s “good judgment” (positive favor) doesn’t mean it can’t equally set up problems. After all, if you only focus on the seeing the things you like, you can get an inflated view of someone that isn’t true or actual. Then, when the person proves human, how do you then feel? Betrayed? Stabbed in the back?
But what if that person was simply being human, doing the best they can? What if the pain caused is all your perception based on your skewed focus and judgment of “good” versus “bad”? The person didn’t betray you so much as your perceptions, expectations, and your own lack of healing in those areas betrayed you. If any quote or idea gets attributed to me after I’m gone, one I might hope would be mentioned is:
“No one — not a single person — wakes up in the morning saying ‘Gee, let’s see just how badly I can screw up today!’. So the next time someone ‘hurts’ you, have a little compassion and work it out. Pain is less frequently caused by others than it is self-inflicted. When you are ‘wounded’ by a situation ’caused’ by someone else, embrace it as a chance to heal and change and learn more and release more. That ‘hurtful person’ has actually given you a great gift. But, ah, how often do we spurn that gift and reject the giver?”
Moving outside the game of “I like/trust you because…” and “I don’t like/trust you because…” is vital to achieving self-esteem. It doesn’t mean people won’t continue to like or dislike you. They will, sometimes for silly reasons — I like you because you have a great voice (ok, you’ve just told me you like me because of what you think I give you), or I don’t like you because you did ‘X’ and I don’t think that ‘X’ is the way you should act (same thing, only this time, you’ve just told me you don’t like me because of what you didn’t get from me). The point is, it’s all self-reflective. Others may be the mirrored surface in which we can better see ourselves, but it’s still not who we are. And likewise, who OTHERS think we are is still not the whole “deck of cards”.
I am not what you think I am. I’m much more. If you only focus on my good points (and don’t remember I’m human and have bad ones), I will disappoint you. If you only focus on my bad points (and don’t remember I’m human and have good ones), you will really miss out on a great person in your life. And if you only base your judgment of me on what YOU get out of me, then you need to remember that what YOU get out of me is what you interpret and give to YOURSELF. I didn’t do that — YOU did. You had a multiple number of actions, interpretations, and choices you could make. You chose the one you did. Not me.
Of course, this has to balance out with accountability for actions. It’s a difficult concept through which to meander. There are people that I love and who love me that I’ve hurt or disappointed, but they talked with me and worked it out and we’re stronger. There are people that I love and who love me who have hurt or disappointed me, but I talked with them and worked it out and we’re stronger. And there are those that chose not to take this route and we’ve parted, and now I’ve changed so much over the years that I can see they still hold onto an image of me that isn’t real — I can see they’re stuck in the past and they’re happy there, blaming some old me for something long gone. Can’t do anything about that. Can’t do anything about people who still see me as that young 20-something and not the woman I am today.
I can only control my reality. It saddens me that I perpetually am someone I’m not in THEIR reality, but that’s my warning sign, you know? As long as I am seen as someone I’m not, then I know we’re not sharing the same time and space and a relationship can’t work.
Shared reality… that’s a whole different post. But let me just say that shared reality is vital for human relationships. It’s not always easy to create, especially when so many people like to live in the past or the future. But until you have it, I assure you, there is no intimacy.
Photo by Eddi 07 (via Flickr).
Millie Fee |
Friday, 16th October 2009 at 12:59 PM