Your advice to step back and look for the real emotion…the real reason we get angry or upset when some “thing” is lost to us…is really good. Not only does it help keep us from going off the deep end about something that just doesn’t matter all that much, it also helps us pinpoint what does matter.
Years ago, my ex and I had an argument, one of those doozies. In the process of the craziness, I damaged something of his. I didn’t mean to…I was only trying to release some frustration and whatever the thing was caught the fallout. He immediately retaliated…stopped, looked around the room, and took the one thing in his field of vision at that moment that meant anything to me, a silver caftan I loved to wear and that, for us at that time, was too expensive to replace. He ripped it apart irrepairably.
I was devastated. Angry, but more heartbroken. Part of that was the loss of something I really enjoyed, something that, when I wore it, made me feel beautiful. More of it was that I felt like I didn’t matter to him at all. He had looked for the fastest, most effective way to hurt me and he found it. The fact that I didn’t intend to damage his item, that I was sorry, didn’t matter at all, and neither did I.
In looking back at all the times I’ve been upset about the loss of “things,” it’s almost always been rooted in the feeling that I didn’t matter…that the time, effort, or talent I put into making or acquiring the item was not important enough for the other person to take care of it. When I didn’t feel that way, it was because I knew that it was an accident, or something that couldn’t be helped, or maybe even that the “thing” was sacrificed for some greater good. When I’ve lost or damaged something of my own, my upset has been because I really liked the item…pure and simple. And I can tell you for sure, feeling like I didn’t matter was a heck of a lot worse than missing something I enjoyed.
On the other hand, my mother was always darned near fanatical about “things.” She kept stuff forever, and if she felt like you weren’t showing “things” the proper respect, you could end up damaged! I always felt like she went overboard, putting things ahead of people. So I tried to correct that course in my own life and, for a long time, didn’t respect my own or anyone’s else’s “things” – which are really physical manifestations of their time, talent, energy – enough. It took a long time for me to figure out the true value of “things” lies in their true cost, what you put into them, how their protection or destruction makes the owner or creator feel, and what damage my attachment to them might do.
You’re a wise parent to keep your cool over “things” when so much is at stake. Children need to know true value, and that THEY are valued above all the “things” in the world. It’s a balance, and one I’m glad you reminded us of today.
I'm not going to go into great detail on this here because I need to sleep soon. But I'm going to get it off my chest before laying down for the night. Maybe I'm the only one ...
So, I spent my wee vacation from blogging with knitting needles in hand taking my first stab at cabling. I was wildly successful and quite proud of the pretty blue cabled hat that I gifted to my darling daughter. She was blissed in her frothy ice-blue creation, so happy that she wore it to school the next day… and promptly lost it.
Heartsong (heartsongshymnal.blogspot.com) |
Sunday, 13th September 2009 at 9:18 AM